A few weeks ago, I asked y'all a question: How will the NBA end?
In order to respond, I requested that you also write me a poem about the eventual fate of the NBA. Over 600 of you were kind enough to weigh in. There was no consensus, really, but the most popular answer was, "it will end with societal collapse."
It's a morbid, unhappy question, which doesn't mean it isn't also an interesting exercise. It's very easy for me to imagine the NBA going strong in 2050, 2070, 2100. It feels like it should run well past that, but it also feels silly to declare, with any real degree of confidence, that the NBA will be played -- with a rubber ball, blocking fouls, 10-feet rims, and a floor that isn't made out of trampolines -- in, say, the year 2914.
Human civilization has been evolving at a breakneck pace over the last 200 years, and the pace figures only to get quicker in the coming decades and centuries. The events of
Star Trek: The Next Generation take place in the 2360s. Basketball is never mentioned, and sports in their present form are completely absent. When they dig a man from the 1990s out of cryogenic stasis and bring him aboard, he asks if he can watch an Atlanta Braves game. Nobody seems to know what he's talking about.
It's hard to imagine when the last NBA season would be, or why there would be a last season, and it we know with virtual certainty that the NBA will not last beyond the destruction of the Earth, the death of our Sun, and the likely eventual heat death of the universe. We have limited tools at our disposal to simulate what, exactly, this end could look like.
By any means or definition we can achieve, killing the NBA is the mission of this season finale of NBA Y2K, a series that was initially meant to run far longer than five episodes.
The truth is this: the creators of 2K Sports have spent the last four years evolving their games into the greatest sports games of all time. I simply ran out of things to break. It's an extraordinarily well-designed game: it's far more realistic than video games tend to be, and yet it remains somewhat accessible. It's visually gorgeous, its gameplay is exceptionally smooth, and playing the decades-long Association mode feels like building a civilization. They did all this without leaving many glitches or oversights to exploit.
2K Sports will surely make more outstanding NBA games in the future, but the four-year streak of near-flawless gaming has been broken. NBA 2K14 for the next-gen consoles, while beautiful, was a shallow, broken disaster. Their last great game of this era was the NBA 2K14 they designed for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3.
I wanted to say goodbye to an unprecedented run of games, and to an Xbox 360 I will likely never play again. Killing the NBA seemed like the most appropriate way for me to do that. This is how we're going to go about it:
This will be a death of the spirit. I want every single player in the league to be the worst player in the world. I want to render the NBA an unwatchable, miserable experience in which the notions of self-respect, good ideas, and effort go to die.
I created 80 players and named each of them after the folks who sent me the poems about the NBA's demise that I liked the most. (I read all 645 of them, and most of them were delightful.) These players are designed as pitifully as NBA 2K14 would allow: 5'3, 145 pounds, and awful at every basketball skill: shooting, passing, rebounding, defense, awareness, everything.
I put all these players in a "draft class" file. This is the file from which the game pulls all its potential NBA Draft selections in its franchise mode. Each team will have nothing but horrible players to choose from.
If the 2000 NBA Draft is any indication, a single bad draft can barely put a dent in the league, let alone kill it. So that is why, year after year, I'm feeding the NBA the same draft class file. Nothing but short, talentless weaklings, for years. And years. And years, until they are all that's left.
This is how the NBA you love was destroyed.
(A note: aside from one egregious flop in the video above, I never once took control of any player. Every video and GIF you see here features only computer-controlled players. I want the NBA to die by its own hand.)
THE LONG, SLOW DEATH OF ALL THAT WAS GOOD IN THE NBA.
2013-14
Championship: Nuggets over Heat in 7
Season MVP: LeBron James
Notable retirements at season's end: Steve Nash, Derek Fisher
Hall of Fame induction: Steve Nash
In the real-life 2013-14 season, the Denver Nuggets fell well short of a playoff spot, finishing 36-46. In this universe, the Nuggets, led by Ty Lawson, finally win their first NBA title.
This oddity aside, the season unfolds much like any other season. Everyone's happy, everyone's tall.
2014-15
Championship: Thunder over Cavs in 7
Season MVP: Kevin Durant
Notable retirements at season's end: Ray Allen, Chauncey Billups, Kenyon Martin
Hall of Fame induction: Ray Allen
The first Doomsday Draft Class arrives, but it is not yet known by this name. General managers across the league reason that it's simply a bad-luck draft class, and that such classes come around once in a while.
There is no fooling the basketball gods, however. Out of apparent recognition that something has gone very wrong, the Association throws a post-draft fit in the offseason, and the result is the most annoying free-agency period of all time. Kobe Bryant signs with the Spurs. The Lakers, sparing no expense to fill his shoes, acquire LeBron James.
Neither team advances very far in the postseason. The Heat, now with only Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to lead them, finish with a 39-43 record, and are swept out of the playoffs in the first round.
2015-16
Championship: Lakers over Cavs in 7
Season MVP: LeBron James
Notable retirements at season's end: Jason Terry, Paul Pierce, Metta World Peace, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Tim Duncan
Hall of Fame inductions: Vince Carter, Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Tim Duncan
The NBA has now drafted two classes' worth of Doomsday players, but by all broad statistical metrics, they don't seem to be making much of an impact. Teams are playing just fine with players they drafted prior to 2014. No Doomsday player is seeing more than seven minutes a game.
Kobe, who signs a one-year deal with the Milwaukee Bucks, seems destined to finish his career as a journeyman. Meanwhile, against all odds, the Timberwolves have managed to retain their star, Kevin Love.
In the Finals, LeBron's Lakers take down the Cavaliers in seven games. He has to be doing this on purpose.
2016-17
Championship: Lakers over Cavs in 7
Season MVP: LeBron James
Notable retirements at season's end: Elton Brand, Manu Ginobili, Kevin Garnett, Stephen Jackson
Hall of Fame inductions: Tracy McGrady, Kevin Garnett
Oddly, despite not having played a minute since the 2011-12 season, Tracy McGrady is just now entering the Hall of Fame. Manu Ginobili's snub is rather difficult to explain.
LeBron James and the Lakers win the Finals, again, over the Cavs, again, in seven games, again. It's almost as though the game is squeezing out all the poetry it can, while it still can.
NBA teams are still deftly avoiding Doomsday players at all costs, with one exception. The Knicks don't seem to understand how terrible these players are. Inexplicably, they've filled half their roster with Doomsday players, almost all of whom finish with Player Efficiency Ratings (PERs) in the negatives.
The Knicks also become the first team to press a Doomsday player, Mike Honcho, into a significant role. He plays 15 minutes per game, shoots .231 from the field, and finishes his season with a PER of -3.7, by far the all-time worst from any qualifying player in NBA history.
Unsurprisingly, the Knicks fall like a rock, ending up with a 9-72 record. They are the league's worst in both points scored (88.7) and allowed (107.1) per game. The basketball gods like to laugh, but they're going for the easiest jokes.
2017-18
Championship: Cavs over Thunder in 6
Season MVP: Kevin Durant
Notable retirements at season's end: Carlos Boozer, Zach Randolph, Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom, Tony Parker, Kobe Bryant
Hall of Fame inductions: Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Kobe Bryant
At long last, in their fourth straight Finals appearance, the Cleveland Cavaliers win the NBA Championship. They do so by using the Doomsday Era to their advantage: while other teams allow Doomsday players to collect on their rosters like barnacles, the Cavaliers move to ensure that everyone on their team is an honest-to-God professional basketball player. This requires unusual measures. The Cavs dig up Kim English, a considerably subpar player, from the dregs of free agency, and even put him on the floor for a few minutes during Game 6 of the Finals. English had not played in an NBA game in five years.
The Knicks remain on the opposite end of the spectrum. Thanks to their short-sightedness and curious penchant for signing Doomsday players, their situation grows more dire by the day. In a February game against the Heat, they start Iman Shumpert even though he has a sprained ankle. They leave him out there for 37 minutes. He scores zero points.
Meanwhile, in Oklahoma City, the nucleus of the Thunder is still intact. Durant, Westbrook and Ibaka lead the Thunder to the Finals, but their roster is thinning. In Game 6, they were forced to give 34 minutes to Alexey Shved.
The Nuggets' MattIs WhyImHot makes history by playing 57 minutes in a season without a single point, which has never been done. He also has no assists.
More ominous than anything, though, is the Cavaliers' visit to the White House.
In 2018, the year after his second term ended, Barack Obama remains the President of the United States. He has clearly abolished Constitutional term limits, and God knows what else with it.
2018-19
Championship: Cavs over Jazz in 4
Season MVP: LeBron James
Notable retirements at season's end: Joakim Noah
Hall of Fame inductions: none
Joakim Noah's retirement comes as a shock. He's only 34. He hasn't been battling injuries, and statistically speaking, he's still in his prime. He's a big man in a league that grows more and more desperate for big men every year. I think he noticed as class after class of abysmal players was force-fed into the Association. He saw the writing on the wall, and it terrified him.
Doomsday players now account for nearly one-third of the league. As the boat begins to rock, talent is thrown into further imbalance. The New Orleans Pelicans have formed the young triple threat of Anthony Davis (age 25), Jrue Holiday (28), and Eric Gordon (30), thereby positioning themselves to form a dynasty. In contrast, a couple of teams find themselves unable to collect a starting five of capable players.
When Doomsday players do see playing time, they make the least of it. Honk Cartront is 2-for-19 in field goals on the season.
2019-20
Championship: Cavs over Timberwolves in 4
Season MVP: Kevin Durant
Notable retirements at season's end: Amar'e Stoudemire, Chris Bosh, Andrew Bogut
Hall of Fame inductions: none
The Cavaliers have three-peated, and their point guard, Kyrie Irving, has emerged as one of the best players in the game. They deny the Timberwolves, led by Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio, their first-ever NBA title.
Elsewhere in the league, Dwight Howard returns to Orlando and enjoys a resurgence; he posts a 28.8 PER at age 34. Nick Young, on the other hand, has regressed to an overall player rating of 59 -- a dramatic decline from his rating of 72 six years prior. While Doomsday players find roster spots, and even starting roles, across the NBA, Young languishes in free agency. He will never play another NBA game.
The parallels between the slow onset of the Doomsday Era and the phenomenon of global climate change are unmissable. Day-to-day, basketball looks much like it always did. Teams are scoring between 90 and 105 points per game. LeBron and Durant and Chris Paul and Derrick Rose are still playing stellar basketball.
It is only when we dig a little deeper into the statistics that we find that something is going terribly, terribly wrong.
We cannot stop the Doomsday Players from entering the draft. We cannot stop our favorite players from growing older. A cataclysm awaits, and we have no resources at our disposal to halt its march.
2020-21
Championship: Pistons over Clippers in 6
Season MVP: Kevin Durant
Notable retirements at season's end: LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Joe Johnson, Roy Hibbert
Hall of Fame inductions: LeBron James, Dwyane Wade
The analogues to climate change continue. Just as the Earth experiences volatile weather patterns, the trends of winning and losing across the NBA make unpredictable, dramatic swings.
The Miami Heat, now led by a 39-year-old Dwyane Wade, sprint to a phenomenal 18-4 start. Then Andrea Bargnani, the team's No. 3 scorer, is lost to a knee injury. With no one but Doomsday players to fill his shoes, the team is effectively only two-thirds as good. The Heat immediately find themselves in a nosedive, going 14-46 the rest of the way. They finish with a 32-50 record and fall well short of playoff contention.
This is the state of the NBA at present. Dwyane Wade, DeAndre Jordan, and Andrea Bargnani form a championship-caliber team. Simply remove Bargnani, and the team is among the worst in basketball. Every single extra minute given to a Doomsday player inches a team ever closer to ruin.
More troubling than anything, we have lost our greatest warrior.
LeBron James has elected to retire at 36. Given the diminishing talents across the NBA, his contributions will be irreplaceable, but he is doing what any man would do. Go play with your children, LeBron. Watch them grow. Leave this God-forsaken place before darkness falls.
2021-22
Championship: Pistons over Nuggets in 5
Season MVP: Kevin Durant
Notable retirements at season's end: Goran Dragic, Andre Iguodala, J.R. Smith, Deron Williams, Kyle Lowry, Carmelo Anthony
Hall of Fame inductions: Deron Williams, Carmelo Anthony
At age 33, Kevin Durant contributes the best season of his career. In his third straight MVP season, his PER is 37.1, the greatest of all time. He matches his jersey number by lighting up the scoreboard for 35 points per game.
The league's desperation has risen to new, more worried heights, and there is no clearer evidence of this than the signing of Jeremy Pargo.
The point guard hadn't played in the NBA since the 2012-13 season. Now, at age 35 and after nine years away from the League, he suddenly plays 72 games this season. His overall rating is 46/99, far and away the lowest of any non-Doomsday player.
His presence reeks of panic.
2022-23
Championship: Nuggets over Pistons in 5
Season MVP: Kyrie Irving
Notable retirements at season's end: Rajon Rondo, Josh Smith, Amir Johnson, Rudy Gay, DeAndre Jordan, LaMarcus Aldridge
Hall of Fame inductions: none
Don Nelson hadn't coached in the NBA since 2010. Now 82 years old, he returns to coach the Spurs.
The Pistons, despite having lost these Finals, have established a dynasty, because they have young men and big men -- two of the most coveted qualities as the sun sets on the NBA. They have size in Dwight Howard, DeAndre Jordan, Greg Monroe, and Omer Asik. They have "young" talent in Kawhi Leonard, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, and Michael Carter-Williams.
Those three men are at least 30. That, in this NBA, is youth.
In Miami, Bob Jiggity's morale is listed as, "fed up."
At the bottom, we see why he's probably fed up: he isn't getting paid. He has no skills, so the game, understandably, decides he deserves no money.
The unfortunate plight of Bob Jiggity is such that he can't not be in the NBA. He can't go be a doctor or a plumber. In the year 2023, NBA rosters are like physical vacuums: there aren't enough normal players to fill the void in the rosters, so the Doomsday Players get sucked in to fill the absence of space. Sorry, pal.
2023-24
Championship: Pistons over Blazers in 7
Season MVP: Kyrie Irving
Notable retirements at season's end: Jeremy Lin, JaVale McGee, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard
Hall of Fame inductions: Chris Paul, Dwight Howard
Over half the league is still made up of quality players, but the league's imbalance of talent is growing ever greater. Two teams, the Heat and Pacers, are in a state of crisis. Indiana has only three non-Doomsday players, and Miami has only two -- Ben McLemore and DeAndre Liggins.
In the most lopsided loss in NBA history, the Heat fall to the Raptors, 126-55. They are out-rebounded by a 65-27 margin.
The Heat secure the worst record in NBA history, 7-75. Ben McLemore does all he can, finishing with a 39.2 PER and scoring 32.5 points per game. His PER is the highest in the history of the NBA.
2024-25
Championship: Grizzlies over Cavs in 6
Season MVP: Kyrie Irving
Notable retirements at season's end: Andrew Bynum, Evan Turner, Blake Griffin, Kevin Love, Serge Ibaka
Hall of Fame inductions: Kevin Love, Blake Griffin
The Nets and Timberwolves finish 6-76, simultaneously breaking the record for losingest team in NBA history. For the Nets, no player bears greater responsibility for this than Doomsday player Eccleston Farburger. He takes 465 three-point shots, more than the vast majority of players in the NBA, and makes 46 of them. His three-point percentage is .099.
After 14 seasons together, the Thunder's Durant-Westbrook-Ibaka nucleus is finally broken. Serge Ibaka retires at the end of the season. Kevin Durant, now 36, joins the Spurs. He plays 3,042 minutes, the most anyone 36 years or older has played since Wilt Chamberlain in 1972-73. The single-season PER record is shattered by Durant's 47.9.
At this stage in the NBA's history, the PER statistic is both a complete joke and an indispensable bellwether. It's a joke because the abundance of horrible players inflates the numbers of any player who's any good at all. But it demonstrates, in dramatic fashion, just what is happening to this sport.
This season, 23 players have a higher PER than the NBA record was in 2013-14.
2025-26
Championship: Hawks over Nuggets in 5
Season MVP: Kyrie Irving
Notable retirements at season's end: Stephen Curry, Kenneth Faried, Tyreke Evans, Russell Westbrook
Hall of Fame inductions: Tyreke Evans, Russell Westbrook
The last remaining skeptics now acknowledge that the Doomsday Phenomenon is very real. It must be, because the Atlanta Hawks have won an NBA championship.
2026-27
Championship: Nuggets over 76ers in 4
Season MVP: Kyrie Irving
Notable retirements at season's end: Derrick Rose, Iman Shumpert, Brandon Jennings, James Harden, Jrue Holiday
Hall of Fame inductions: Jrue Holiday, James Harden, Derrick Rose
Kyrie Irving, still with the Cavaliers, has won his fifth consecutive MVP award. Statistically, he and his 63.8 PER absolutely deserve it, but it's just a little bittersweet. He is playing some of the greatest basketball of all time, and he has so little competition upon which to measure it. So few opponents who can genuinely appreciate what he has done.
At age 38, Kevin Durant has rejoined the Thunder. In leaving the Spurs, he has ruined them, as they are now the first team to reach midnight. San Antonio's roster is now nothing but Doomsday players.
The Timberwolves, who also arrive at midnight, are perhaps playing the worst professional basketball in the history of the sport. They have only 76 assists over 82 games. (By contrast, the league-leading Lakers have 1,407.) They've hit only 28.7 percent of their free throws.
Anthony Davis leads the Nuggets to another NBA title. At the White House, the same President is there to greet them. Barack Obama has now been President for 19 years.
2027-28
Championship: Wizards over Grizzlies in 6
Season MVP: Cody Zeller
Notable retirements at season's end: DeMarcus Cousins, Kevin Durant
Hall of Fame inductions: Jrue Holiday, DeMarcus Cousins, Kevin Durant
The NBA, its honest-to-God players, and its fans are pushing forward as one. With every step of our tortured staggering, dread sloshes to and fro in the buckets of our hearts. Our fate is known to us. We don't know when it will end, but we know that it will end.
Kevin Durant, the great relic of the NBA's golden age, has retired. His peers soldier on. Fab Melo, at 37 years of age, is the worst normal player in the league. Cody Zeller ascends to superstardom. Anthony Davis, now 35, is the best player in basketball.
Durant finishes with over 45,000 career points, setting a record that will never be broken. Not because it's too high, but because one day, no one will be tall enough to see it.
2028-29
Championship: Lakers over Wizards in 5
Season MVP: Nerlens Noel
Notable retirements at season's end: Derrick Favors, Cody Zeller, Victor Oladipo, John Wall, Paul George
Hall of Fame inductions: Victor Oladipo, Derrick Favors, Paul George, John Wall
In this season, Cody Zeller sings the greatest swan song of all time. Though injuries limit him to 56 games, he scores over 2,000 points. Yet again, the single-season PER mark is broken; Zeller's is an obscene 92.8. General managers would surely sell their kingdom for the services of the seven-foot Zeller; nonetheless, he retires at 36.
The Lakers are the only team left in the league who are capable of putting five non-horrible players on the floor, so they finish an NBA-record 79-3. They've managed to hoard quality players. Their starting five of Dion Waiters, Anthony Bennett, Paul George, Rudy Gobert, and Dennis Schroeder renders them effective gods among men.
Other teams are crash-landing. Between the advent of the three-point arc in 1979-80, and the 2013-14 season, no team had ever finished a season with fewer than 750 assists.
The Timberwolves have zero. 4,321 points. No assists.
There are 48 non-Doomsday players left in the league.
2029-30
Championship: Pacers over Nuggets in 4
Season MVP: Nerlens Noel
Notable retirements at season's end: Kyrie Irving, Ricky Rubio, Kawhi Leonard, Damian Lillard, Anthony Bennett, Jonas Valanciunas, Derrick Williams, Dion Waiters
Hall of Fame inductions: Jonas Valanciunas, Anthony Bennett, Derrick Williams, Damian Lillard, Kyrie Irving
There are only 26 decent players left in the NBA. Twelve teams were too short-sighted and foolish to secure themselves one of these players, and find themselves with all-Doomsday rosters.
Archie Goodwin, the Baby Diego of the NBA, has retired. At age 35, he was the youngest non-doomsday player in the league.
At the end of the season, there is a catastrophic exodus of talent. Five Hall of Famers retire, including Anthony Bennett.
Bennett said that prior to the 2013 season, when the world was young. His rookie season was a disaster. We cackled, mocked him, and labeled him a bust. Today he enters the Hall of Fame, one of basketball's last great warriors, raging against the darkness and fighting for all that was beautiful.
You did contribute, Anthony Bennett. You did contribute.
2030-31
Championship: Grizzlies over Pacers in 4
Season MVP: Nerlens Noel
Notable retirements at season's end: Alex Len, Mo Harkless, Ben McLemore, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist
Hall of Fame inductions: Ben McLemore, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist
The NBA is down to eight non-Doomsday players:
Mo Harkless, 37
Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, 36
Ben McLemore, 37
Anthony Davis, 37
Bradley Beal, 36
Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, 37
Nerlens Noel, 36
Alex Len, 37
Alex Len signs with the Grizzlies, who already have Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. They dominate the league with a 74-8 record and win the NBA Finals in four games, nearly sweeping the entire postseason along the way.
In the worst offensive performance the NBA has seen since the advent of the shot clock, the Blazers lose, 66-33.
They shoot 18 percent from the field, and make only three of 26 shots from the stripe -- that's 12 percent. Both teams combine for eight points in the paint. The Blazers score a total of nine points in the second half.
That miserable performance is eclipsed mere weeks later. The Cavs fall to the Heat, 74-25. Cleveland misses all 16 of their three-point attempts.
2031-32
Championship: Nuggets over Magic in 4
Season MVP: Nerlens Noel
Notable retirements at season's end: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Bradley Beal
Hall of Fame inductions: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Bradley Beal
The Nuggets acquire Kentavious Caldwell-Pope to play alongside Anthony Davis. By starting half the non-horrible players in the NBA, they become a superpower in the league's twilight. They finish with a 78-4 record, and become the first team in NBA history to sweep their way through the entire playoffs.
In these, the NBA's twilight years, we look back in awe and terror at the chaos that has befallen our sport.
The two lines, like jaws of destiny, open wider and wider with Kevin Durant, Kyrie Irving, Anthony Davis, Cody Zeller. The day the last of them leave, the jaws instantly snap shut, and we all are devoured.
These are truly the last days.
2032-33
And now, in the 20th season of the Doomsday Era, we are down to two men, both Kentucky products: 39-year-old Anthony Davis of the Bobcats, and 38-year-old Nerlens Noel of the Hawks. Inexplicably, Davis is making only $4.35 million this season, and Noel only $4.81 million.
In the sorriest two-team performance in NBA history, on November 8th, the Heat beat the Raptors, 34-33. They go a combined 15-79 from the charity stripe, and 2-38 from three-point range.
Inevitably, Davis' Bobcats and Noel's Hawks meet in the Eastern Conference Finals. With at least one of the two men likely to retire at season's end, this is regarded as the last true series in the history of basketball.
Nerlens Noel knows this. He has just won his fifth consecutive MVP award, but throughout his 21-year career, he has never won a ring. He is bound to destroy anyone who stands in his way.
Anthony Davis is in pursuit of his third ring. He is 40 years old, and his overall rating of 72 is a far cry from the 95 rating he enjoyed a decade ago. He remains a god among men.
When the two go at it, they go at it.
The two teams go the distance. Davis' Bobcats win in seven games.
Despite five MVP awards, 21 seasons in the league, and a Doomsday phenomenon that ought to have shuffled the balance of power around enough to give Nerlens Noel plenty of chances, he retires without a ring. More heartbreaking is how, exactly, he loses out: in Game 7, his Hawks lose by only four points. He drains five of only seven shots. His teammates simply will not feed him the ball. In contrast, the Hawks' point guard, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, is 1-for-9. Bob Humann, most egregiously, is 2-for-18.
And that is that. Nerlens Noel never plays in the NBA again.
Charlotte, at long last, has its NBA title. Anthony Davis has carried them there singlehandedly, but he's delivered one final insult on his way out of the league. The Finals MVP award is given instead to point guard Moses Pippy. Throughout the playoffs, Pippy has averaged 3.3 points per game, shooting .284. There is absolutely no logic behind it.
Davis retires at season's end, joining Noel in the Hall of Fame. When the Bobcats pay their White House visit, President Obama is still there to greet them. His term as Commander-in-Chief has outlasted the careers of Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Chris Paul, Kyrie Irving, Russell Westbrook, and every other basketball player who ever mattered.
The day has finally come. The bulb has popped. The light has gone out.
THE DARK ERA.
In the remotely distant future, according to one popular theory, our universe will enter a "dark era":
After all the black holes have evaporated (and after all the ordinary matter made of protons has disintegrated, if protons are unstable), the universe will be nearly empty. Photons, neutrinos, electrons, and positrons will fly from place to place, hardly ever encountering each other.
In the NBA's dark era, things and people do commonly fly into one another, but it is just as lonely and spiritually empty. The league is so devoid of soul, ability, and purpose that it's difficult to imagine that men such as Wilt Chamberlain, Michael Jordan or LeBron James ever inhabited it at all.
Game 1 of the 2034 NBA Finals takes 12 overtimes to decide.
The Magic are 0-for-193 from the field before Sammy Tentoes hits the game-winning three. Orlando and Denver shoot a combined 1-for-372, or .003. It doesn't matter where they shoot from.
Basketball will never return to what it was. At this stage in its history, basketball is little more than a collection of carbon and rubber. The orbits and movements of its particles is powered only by inertia left over by those who played and loved the game in decades past.
The NBA is a corpse, but Obama orders it to dance. The President-for-Life decrees that the league shall continue.
All is lost.
All is lost.
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All is lost.
THE MERCIFUL DEATH OF THE NBA.
This league is now a lifeless husk in which titles are completely meaningless, unless you ask all the franchises who have never won an NBA title. As of the 2013-14 season, half the teams in the league had never won a championship in their current home city.
In the Doomsday Era (2013-2033), six teams won their first title: the Nuggets, Cavaliers, Grizzlies, Hawks, Pacers, and Bobcats. (The Bobcats were never renamed the Hornets in this universe, presumably because everyone was too sad to even care.)
Within the Dark Era, the NBA was slowing like a dying galaxy. Time was running out. There are few things sadder in sports than a team that never, ever wins a title, and several franchises faced this cold, lonely reality.
This is their story:
